I have been living my life in a safe little bubble. Talking “about” my past but not really dealing with it. Today I had jury duty and the case was, how can I explain, I really can’t. I thought I was ok with it but when I spoke the words “I was placed in a similar situation” out loud the fear came crashing in on me. The longer I sat there the harder it became. I knew I had to get out of there. I did. I really do not know how to put into words all that was going on with me. I couldn’t breathe, I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I broke…
I have gone to therapists in the past but I always have a wall up. To me the word therapist breaks down to “the rapist”. You go to them and they want to dig into your past to help you but to me it is just a mind rape. All these past issues come forward that I have blocked, buried, tried to forget and don’t want to deal with. I am not good at any of this. I don’t want to do therapy. I want to be free from all of this. My daughter says I need to do it. Put in the work to be healed. I have ran from stuff my whole life. I cover it with anger. I lash out. Close myself off from people and situations. It’s hard.
Today though I got my wake up call. I have to deal with it. Suicide is not a solution. I did that last year. I failed. I’m still here. So, I am going to have to deal with it.
I was locked in a house that had bars on the windows and the door was fixed to have a key to be able to unlock it. I was left there for eight hours. No phone. He put it outside(landline). No cell phone. He did it to “teach me a lesson”. The previous day I had gone out with my ex-husband to discuss the situation we were going through with our children. We went to a Golden Coral to eat and I didn’t even have my boyfriend on my mind. When I got home he was livid and blew up at me about eating and not thinking about if he needed to eat. He went to work that next morning and locked me in. When he came home from work he asked me if I learned my lesson. I was never to go out without him ever again. I mean typing this out and rereading it makes me feel like you stupid idiot this is trivial. It happened over twenty years ago grow the eff up.
It was an abusive situation. I was terrified of him. I want that fear gone. He’s not in my life so why am I still afraid. Why after all this time, did I have the reaction I had?
Post traumatic-traumatic stress disorder. I have been told this before but it didn’t sound like me. I’m over it. Or so I thought.
I was molested, I was raped, I was hit as a child and even when I was an adult. I have had violence in my life for years and I thought it’s no big deal I have survived it. But then today….
I see that I need help. I see that I am going to have to dredge all of this up. All the details and quit suppressing it. Quit acting like I am in control of it all and can move on. Because of what happened today I now know that.
Funny how a simple act of attending jury duty brought me to this.
So I am going to write about it all. All of it. Get it all out in the open and deal with it.